How NOT to reach out to potential partners

Friendly and creepy can be a thin line.

James here.

A while back I had one of the most well-meaning, but worst, cold outreaches I’d ever experienced.

I’m not trying to throw shade.

Anyone could have done this…

…I’m sure when I was young and dating I DID do versions of this…

So, I can see how he MEANT it to come off.

For funsies…

How about we play a game?

I’ll lay out the interaction…

You see if you can spot missteps and guess how it came across from my POV.

It’ll probably be obvious to ladies.

Us guys? Sometimes need these things explained.

I know I did.

Here’s what happened:

Person sends a friend request.

I accept.

A few minutes later my notifications are blowing up…

He’s liked a dozen of my photos.

Then, I get a DM…

“Hey”

I didn’t reply.

A few minutes later (maybe an hour?) I get:

“You have a beautiful family.”

“Where was the picture at the playground taken?”

Then I blocked him.

“Jeez James, blocking him was a bit of an over-reaction, wasn’t it?”

“Nothing he said was offensive.”

“He was just trying to start a conversation.”

The 3 quotes above are what I imagine readers could be thinking about this short interaction.

…All are totally fair and reasonable.

Everyone is different.

Here’s how it came across, in the moment, from my point of view:

“Friend request from someone I don’t know…

…Picture is an actual person and we have a few connections in common…

…OK I’ll add him.

Hmmm. A bunch of hearts on 2 year old photos of my wife and kids.

Bet I know what’s coming next.

Yup, there’s the ‘hey’ DM.

Bet there’s a pitch coming.

No pitch, but…

This COMPLETE STRANGER thinks my family is attractive?

…How many of the photos of my young kids did he ‘like’?...

…Now he wants to know about the park by my house?

Nope.

Blocked.”

Again, I don’t think this person was trying to be a creep.

I’m relatively sure a pitch was coming.

He was just TRYING to make a personal connection before pitching.

Travis talks about making a personal connection and a business connection to open conversations…

…I don’t think this guy is on Planet Mojo…

…He just had a similar idea…

However…

This guy’s personal connection attempt didn’t come off how he was hoping.

Maybe someone else would have been receptive to this approach?

But to me…

Talking about my young kids before I know who you are?

Too personal, IMO.

That’s the fine line we walk when trying to reach out to people.

Instead?

What would have shown he knew a little about me without the red flags?

My profile has pictures of books, board games, and comic books…

Any of those could have been entry points.

I find…

If someone posts about their hobbies?

They’re generally really receptive to talking about them.

…Even with complete strangers.

I would have been.

OK, this note is getting long.

Hope it gives you some thoughts on how to avoid making convo opening blunders.

In your corner,
James Foster

PS - Tony Teegarden has an approach to opening convos in groups that gets the best people in the community reaching out to him to connect and refer partners...

…He does it without any call to actions to friend him or reply…

…And the group owners APPRECIATE him adding to the group…

I’m Zooming with him about it later today.

Be on the lookout for the interview soon.